Mourning Macie's BDAY Aug 17th

So, today has been long and stressful. Woke up this morning super early and couldn't go back to sleep. I had been having so much anxiety since tomorrow will be a whole year since my angel passed.

After a few hour war, I finally got a chance to rest but only for an hour before I had to get back up and head to the canyon to carpool with my grandma to go see Macie. So I started on my mission to get through the day. I went to go pick up Joey so that he could come with. We went through the loops to get her a cake. (That night I had a dream that I needed to get a cake for her birthday, so this is what I did). Wee met up with my grandma and headed up there. The drive was terrible! I had so many mixed feelings. I wasn't sure whether to feel happy because it is my daughters birthday or sad because she isn't here to celebrate OR to feel sick because I'm pregnant and on a winding road up the canyon...

So anyway we finally arrived at her grave site. The grass still hasn't grown in, so Joey and I pulled the weeds and straightened up her headstone. We sat there for a minute. Joey started crying. I didn't really know what to say at the time, who would though. It's not like this is something that you should normally experience on a day to day basis. We recuperated and decided to eat some cake. Stupid me, forgot to bring the plates and silverware from my car. So plans had changed. I don't know why but I got this guilty feeling that if I left her there I was abandoning her so I decided to stay longer. I then began to sob. It wasn't so much that she was gone because I know she is in a better place. It was more this overwhelming stress I've been carrying for a long time. That with this baby I knew I was going to be doing it alone. It was a scary thought to know that this baby could possibly not have a daddy in his/her life. It's like my angel knew I needed to cry to release the stress. She helped me cry it out. But it made me feel amazing. After I pulled myself together we ended up getting in the car and headed home.

Once we got home Joey and I felt it would be best to spend the rest of the day together. So he took me out. We went to this billiards place and shot a few games of pool. It was so great! I honestly hadn't felt that happy since the first year of mine and Joey's relationship. It was perfect. I didn't want it to end. We then spent the night together at a friends house and ate the birthday cake. Things turned out and the day ended up being an alright day. I miss my baby but knew she was safe and happy. It was sort of comforting to know that she is in the best place she could possibly be.

Anyway, I am sorry this post is a day late. We has some computer problems. But I will be writing again very soon! Thanks again for reading.