Ugh... So, it has been a hell of a time trying to get my life back together, but I can at least look back and see some improvements. Like for one, I left Joey so that I can ensure the safety of my growing baby. For two, I've found a safe healthy place to live until I do get on my feet. This is good in a couple ways. It's also a good thing because it turns out that cindy, my roommate, needs just as much help. So, to return the favor I watch her children when she goes to work. So for three, I am doing what it takes to get my butt to my doctors to make sure my baby is healthy and growing the right way.
So in the beginning of my pregnancy I had set this huge goal for myself to basically tear down this brick wall that has been standing in my way for a long time. Now, I'm really not that strong so I need to take it one brick at a time. I felt like the most important one to concur was to feel confident that I have done everything it takes to be the mother I need to be for this baby. Though I have made improvements I am not yet confident with this just yet. Believe it or not, 6 months is not a very long time. It's been eating me from the inside out, the amount of things I need to do from now until then.
My biggest challenge that has me completely split minded and torn up is getting a job. Yeah... I know. I'm scared to go work when pregnant because I fear for my baby and his/her life. After Macie passed I just don't know how to feel because no one really knows what happened or why she died. So with round two it is way scary. I mean one wrong move could mean my baby's life. So getting a job, as you could probably imagine is scary because what if me draining to much of what little energy I already have could potentially be this baby's cause of death.
On the whole other side of things, my daddy always taught me good work ethic. That working and having a good job is very important. So me personally I demean myself when I don't have a job. Makes me feel like a lazy ass you know? Not only that but other peoples opinions do matter. Especially my parents. So over all I am still torn on this thought. I am not so sure which road ill be taking in this matter. But ill keep you posted.
My next issue is how hard this pregnancy has been. Like seriously! I never got this sick with my first. I definitely think this pregnancy is harder. I have never been one to not make it to the bathroom. Lol I've also never been in so much pain that I can't move. It sucks! I feel like I need a freaking walker or something! Also with Macie I always got stuck with the laughing hormones. This baby it's more like the anxiety, panic attack moments.
Sometimes, I feel like the situation I am in. I wish I could take it all back. But then I think about my baby coming and it all changes. I can't wait to grow old with this one. I can't wait to meet my next little peanut! It can just get really hard being the strong one. Like sometimes I ask myself why I left Joey. Why I gave up on love. Well, the truth is I had no choice. The choice I have now it to stay away or go back. My choice? Stay away! Follow me through the next six months. Lets see how strong this newbie really is!
PS I will be writing again today. I am going to my daughters grave to eat cake and let go of some balloons. Ill be back to tell you how that went! Thanks everyone for reading!
-Jena
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