I've been thinking a lot about how I would raise my baby. How I would achieve this as well as maybe perhaps my babysitting. I feel like not only is finances a very important part of my raising my child but so are my morals and beliefs. Like some people really believe is spanking there children while other just believe that there children's feeling are most important. So babysitting for my roommate Cindy has really got me thinking about it. I was raised two completely different ways. One of which ways I will pursue with my children. The other not so much. Not that one parent raised me worse but I have found through my own life and babysitting that one was far more effective then others.
So from when I was 5, which is when my parents split and my mom remarried I lived with her and her new husband. This was the start of the first half of my life. At least in my remembrance. I don't exactly remember much before then of my mom and dad living together. So anyway, when I was a kid living with them I was a hell child. I never listened and was a pathological liar. I remember lying about things as stupid as eating a sandwich when I got home from school. Now after growing up I can pinpoint why I acted the way I did. Here it is.
We moved close to once a year. I never had time to make friends. I grew up with my step dads kids in the family. In my eye's they were cherished. They were like the golden children. His daughter, who is younger then I was so incredibly spoiled. They called her there little princess. I hated it! Then there were his sons. They are all 5 years or older then I was. They were so rude to me. They used to spit in my face and make me do air chair while they threw tennis balls at me. There were a variety of things like this. One time, my brother Zach made me hold a penny on the wall while standing on two bar stools. One for each leg. I stood there for about an hour. He told me that if he heard the penny move once I would hate my life. Sure enough I got tired and moved the penny. He came up to me and kicked the bar stools from under my feet and I fell to the ground. It hurt so bad but I was just a little girl. Not much I could do to defend myself. So my reaction was to get vindictive. I ended up doing evil little things to them. Things I knew they would get in trouble for. Like I would stand on the couch right next to them and pee my pants all over the couch. Guess who didn't have to clean it up. But again that caused me to get in trouble as well. I feel like my memory of my childhood I was grounded, most of the time. I felt like the majority of the time my step dad would come home for some reason completely irate with me and I would end up getting beat with a belt. I swear the sound of the closet door slamming open to get his belt or the jingle of the belt in his hands haunt me to this day. I seriously could go on forever. Sometimes I was even grounded to my bed with no blankets or sheets I wasn't aloud to be comfortable. His intention was to make me feel like I was in jail. I was served peanut butter sandwiches and a glass of water for my meals. My mom was more like the by stander. She didn't have much control over me because my step dad was the punisher. Basically the way I was punished was pain and fear. I hated it. The one who called the shots. Anyway, I think you get the jest of it. So by the time I was 11 or 12 I ended up feeling like I should stick up for myself. I ended up telling my step dad how much I hated him and how I wanted to leave. Sure enough my dreams came true.
A few days later I was on a flight to live with my real dad. I was taught that my dad didn't really care much about me. That he was just an alcoholic who didn't care much. I don't have many memories of seeing my dad through the last 7 or so years. So in a way the flight was pretty scary. Through out the end of my childhood with my dad. I had learned a lot about respecting my parents. I did my chores. I was hardly ever grounded. School got much easier because I went to school steady and was able to make friends that I got to keep for more then a few months. Things weren't so crazy and I really enjoyed that.
Living with my dad things were a completely different environment. He had been re-married which I had no idea about. His wife had two girls. Both much closer to my age. I was really on edge because of what I thought of my dad being an alcoholic and all. I was also scared because I did not like the idea of living with more step siblings. After time me and my dad really would butt heads because he was infact an alcoholic and I was not sure why he hadn't been around all this time. It caused a lot of arguements out of spite, hurt and anger. But I slowly began to respect my dad because he never laid a hand on me. He didn't believe in hitting or spanking. He also was very good at the pep talks and showing he cared. Though most the time he was drunk he still showed he cared. I grew to really respect my dad through his bad habits. He was still very loving and respectful. It really impacted my life in a good way.
So through the experiences I have had, I've learned that it is definitely easier for me to teach in a loving manner then to teach through fear. I like to let the kids know why I tell them to do stuff or why they are getting punished. Not telling them things like "your in time out for lying". But more of showing them the advantages and plus sides to telling the truth. How it benefits them. Anyway, so this is defiantly something I am stoked to practice with my growing baby. My only nerve is I've got it down to a T how to babysit. My next question is how well will it work when it's my baby, not someone else's. How well will it work raising a child instead of taking temporary control. Who knows I guess. Just some thoughts that have crossed my mind.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Inhale.... exhale....
Okay, so I have taken a few days to gather my composure and come back to a decent mind set. I haven't been feeling much better physically but mentally I am okay. I have been stressing a lot on gathering things I need for my sweet baby but it is crazy hard trying to do so when you don't know the sex of the baby. I did in fact buy some amazing pacifiers that I live by. I like the soothies brand but they can mess with the babies nose. So I like to get the ones that aren't round but like kidney bean shaped. I don't like binkies with the plastic part and the rubber mouth piece because the rubber piece can break and the baby can choke on it. Anyway, so I feel good about buying some more of those since they are hard to find sometimes.
I've been brainstorming a lot about things like taking a visit to the dentist and eye doctor. Most importantly the eye doc because maybe if I can correct my vision better then I can reduce my headaches. So I went ahead today and set up those appointments. I am also trying to find me an internal medicine doctor. My OB has instructed me to find one because of my heart rate. So hopefully that can be all worked out eventually.
But the moral of my story is that I am feeling a little more accomplished over the last few days. I know that I have to make more steps towards accomplishing things and eventually the little things will add up. My next goals are to get into school which it taking FOREVER! As well as looking into resources for finding baby stuff.
My OB says that he want to take a peek around 16 weeks and find out what I am having. That is if he can. So it may be as little as 2 week before I know my baby's sex. I can't tell you how stoked I am for this. But honestly, to me it really isn't much of a mystery. I really think I am having a boy. Just because this pregnancy is so much harder. Along with a lot of the things I am dealing with are opposite of my last pregnancy. So I guess we will have to see! Anyway! I will keep you guys posted in the next few days! I just wanted to touch base with my readers. So you all knew I still am writing.
I've been brainstorming a lot about things like taking a visit to the dentist and eye doctor. Most importantly the eye doc because maybe if I can correct my vision better then I can reduce my headaches. So I went ahead today and set up those appointments. I am also trying to find me an internal medicine doctor. My OB has instructed me to find one because of my heart rate. So hopefully that can be all worked out eventually.
But the moral of my story is that I am feeling a little more accomplished over the last few days. I know that I have to make more steps towards accomplishing things and eventually the little things will add up. My next goals are to get into school which it taking FOREVER! As well as looking into resources for finding baby stuff.
My OB says that he want to take a peek around 16 weeks and find out what I am having. That is if he can. So it may be as little as 2 week before I know my baby's sex. I can't tell you how stoked I am for this. But honestly, to me it really isn't much of a mystery. I really think I am having a boy. Just because this pregnancy is so much harder. Along with a lot of the things I am dealing with are opposite of my last pregnancy. So I guess we will have to see! Anyway! I will keep you guys posted in the next few days! I just wanted to touch base with my readers. So you all knew I still am writing.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
This is insane!!!
Okay, so here I am ready to just spill. Thing's have been so overwhelming lately. I am starting to get the impending doom feeling. Basically, over the last few day's I have gone from a little bit of confidence to none. How? I have no idea. I am trying to figure out how the hell I am going to make this work. I am 14 weeks pregnant and only have a bouncer and a highchair... I don't currently have any income coming my way because my doctor has officially put me on the beloved bed rest. I basically just get to sit here and be a bum. I hate it because it leaves me way to much time to think. I can't keep busy enough to let myself back to sanity. I get migraines 5 times a week. I have a rash that can't be determined by any doctor. I just don't know. There is so much I could freak out about at the moment. I don't even know where to start.
I am thinking that it would be good to write this because all my readers might have some sort of idea on what could help before I literally die! I have convinced myself that for some reason god thinks I am some "power woman" that can concur anything. So much so that within the last two years I really can't name one really amazing thing that has happened to me. It is just full of crazy chaos. One problem after another. Honestly guy's I know I am still young and may not have all this figured out. Is this really all life is? Is there nothing more then struggle and a few drinks to make it all feel better? (when your not pregnant of course.) People always say it gets easier but I haven't even seen one glimpse of the happy side. I haven't seen the top of this mountain so I'm not so sure it even exists. Yeah sure this may be my hormones taking over but it may just be that I've reached the point where I am going to lay on the floor kicking and screaming until I feel better.
I am at a point in my life where it is do or die. If things fall through and plans don't work out I am completely screwed. There is no point in even trying after this. I am sure you all could imagine this is scary as hell! I am walking on egg shells. Ugh... I could go on but I think you all get the idea. This is how I am feeling at the moment. Who of my readers possibly knows what I could do to concur this and somehow come out on top. I am hoping someone does. I am sorry for the negativity but this is my way out. Open to the world and there thoughts and idea's. It's the whole point of my blog. Thanks all for reading I hope you all enjoy.
I am thinking that it would be good to write this because all my readers might have some sort of idea on what could help before I literally die! I have convinced myself that for some reason god thinks I am some "power woman" that can concur anything. So much so that within the last two years I really can't name one really amazing thing that has happened to me. It is just full of crazy chaos. One problem after another. Honestly guy's I know I am still young and may not have all this figured out. Is this really all life is? Is there nothing more then struggle and a few drinks to make it all feel better? (when your not pregnant of course.) People always say it gets easier but I haven't even seen one glimpse of the happy side. I haven't seen the top of this mountain so I'm not so sure it even exists. Yeah sure this may be my hormones taking over but it may just be that I've reached the point where I am going to lay on the floor kicking and screaming until I feel better.
I am at a point in my life where it is do or die. If things fall through and plans don't work out I am completely screwed. There is no point in even trying after this. I am sure you all could imagine this is scary as hell! I am walking on egg shells. Ugh... I could go on but I think you all get the idea. This is how I am feeling at the moment. Who of my readers possibly knows what I could do to concur this and somehow come out on top. I am hoping someone does. I am sorry for the negativity but this is my way out. Open to the world and there thoughts and idea's. It's the whole point of my blog. Thanks all for reading I hope you all enjoy.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Mourning Macie's BDAY Aug 17th
So, today has been long and stressful. Woke up this morning super early and couldn't go back to sleep. I had been having so much anxiety since tomorrow will be a whole year since my angel passed.
After a few hour war, I finally got a chance to rest but only for an hour before I had to get back up and head to the canyon to carpool with my grandma to go see Macie. So I started on my mission to get through the day. I went to go pick up Joey so that he could come with. We went through the loops to get her a cake. (That night I had a dream that I needed to get a cake for her birthday, so this is what I did). Wee met up with my grandma and headed up there. The drive was terrible! I had so many mixed feelings. I wasn't sure whether to feel happy because it is my daughters birthday or sad because she isn't here to celebrate OR to feel sick because I'm pregnant and on a winding road up the canyon...
So anyway we finally arrived at her grave site. The grass still hasn't grown in, so Joey and I pulled the weeds and straightened up her headstone. We sat there for a minute. Joey started crying. I didn't really know what to say at the time, who would though. It's not like this is something that you should normally experience on a day to day basis. We recuperated and decided to eat some cake. Stupid me, forgot to bring the plates and silverware from my car. So plans had changed. I don't know why but I got this guilty feeling that if I left her there I was abandoning her so I decided to stay longer. I then began to sob. It wasn't so much that she was gone because I know she is in a better place. It was more this overwhelming stress I've been carrying for a long time. That with this baby I knew I was going to be doing it alone. It was a scary thought to know that this baby could possibly not have a daddy in his/her life. It's like my angel knew I needed to cry to release the stress. She helped me cry it out. But it made me feel amazing. After I pulled myself together we ended up getting in the car and headed home.
Once we got home Joey and I felt it would be best to spend the rest of the day together. So he took me out. We went to this billiards place and shot a few games of pool. It was so great! I honestly hadn't felt that happy since the first year of mine and Joey's relationship. It was perfect. I didn't want it to end. We then spent the night together at a friends house and ate the birthday cake. Things turned out and the day ended up being an alright day. I miss my baby but knew she was safe and happy. It was sort of comforting to know that she is in the best place she could possibly be.
Anyway, I am sorry this post is a day late. We has some computer problems. But I will be writing again very soon! Thanks again for reading.
After a few hour war, I finally got a chance to rest but only for an hour before I had to get back up and head to the canyon to carpool with my grandma to go see Macie. So I started on my mission to get through the day. I went to go pick up Joey so that he could come with. We went through the loops to get her a cake. (That night I had a dream that I needed to get a cake for her birthday, so this is what I did). Wee met up with my grandma and headed up there. The drive was terrible! I had so many mixed feelings. I wasn't sure whether to feel happy because it is my daughters birthday or sad because she isn't here to celebrate OR to feel sick because I'm pregnant and on a winding road up the canyon...
So anyway we finally arrived at her grave site. The grass still hasn't grown in, so Joey and I pulled the weeds and straightened up her headstone. We sat there for a minute. Joey started crying. I didn't really know what to say at the time, who would though. It's not like this is something that you should normally experience on a day to day basis. We recuperated and decided to eat some cake. Stupid me, forgot to bring the plates and silverware from my car. So plans had changed. I don't know why but I got this guilty feeling that if I left her there I was abandoning her so I decided to stay longer. I then began to sob. It wasn't so much that she was gone because I know she is in a better place. It was more this overwhelming stress I've been carrying for a long time. That with this baby I knew I was going to be doing it alone. It was a scary thought to know that this baby could possibly not have a daddy in his/her life. It's like my angel knew I needed to cry to release the stress. She helped me cry it out. But it made me feel amazing. After I pulled myself together we ended up getting in the car and headed home.
Once we got home Joey and I felt it would be best to spend the rest of the day together. So he took me out. We went to this billiards place and shot a few games of pool. It was so great! I honestly hadn't felt that happy since the first year of mine and Joey's relationship. It was perfect. I didn't want it to end. We then spent the night together at a friends house and ate the birthday cake. Things turned out and the day ended up being an alright day. I miss my baby but knew she was safe and happy. It was sort of comforting to know that she is in the best place she could possibly be.
Anyway, I am sorry this post is a day late. We has some computer problems. But I will be writing again very soon! Thanks again for reading.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
-Today's thoughts- 8-16-13
Ugh... So, it has been a hell of a time trying to get my life back together, but I can at least look back and see some improvements. Like for one, I left Joey so that I can ensure the safety of my growing baby. For two, I've found a safe healthy place to live until I do get on my feet. This is good in a couple ways. It's also a good thing because it turns out that cindy, my roommate, needs just as much help. So, to return the favor I watch her children when she goes to work. So for three, I am doing what it takes to get my butt to my doctors to make sure my baby is healthy and growing the right way.
So in the beginning of my pregnancy I had set this huge goal for myself to basically tear down this brick wall that has been standing in my way for a long time. Now, I'm really not that strong so I need to take it one brick at a time. I felt like the most important one to concur was to feel confident that I have done everything it takes to be the mother I need to be for this baby. Though I have made improvements I am not yet confident with this just yet. Believe it or not, 6 months is not a very long time. It's been eating me from the inside out, the amount of things I need to do from now until then.
My biggest challenge that has me completely split minded and torn up is getting a job. Yeah... I know. I'm scared to go work when pregnant because I fear for my baby and his/her life. After Macie passed I just don't know how to feel because no one really knows what happened or why she died. So with round two it is way scary. I mean one wrong move could mean my baby's life. So getting a job, as you could probably imagine is scary because what if me draining to much of what little energy I already have could potentially be this baby's cause of death.
On the whole other side of things, my daddy always taught me good work ethic. That working and having a good job is very important. So me personally I demean myself when I don't have a job. Makes me feel like a lazy ass you know? Not only that but other peoples opinions do matter. Especially my parents. So over all I am still torn on this thought. I am not so sure which road ill be taking in this matter. But ill keep you posted.
My next issue is how hard this pregnancy has been. Like seriously! I never got this sick with my first. I definitely think this pregnancy is harder. I have never been one to not make it to the bathroom. Lol I've also never been in so much pain that I can't move. It sucks! I feel like I need a freaking walker or something! Also with Macie I always got stuck with the laughing hormones. This baby it's more like the anxiety, panic attack moments.
Sometimes, I feel like the situation I am in. I wish I could take it all back. But then I think about my baby coming and it all changes. I can't wait to grow old with this one. I can't wait to meet my next little peanut! It can just get really hard being the strong one. Like sometimes I ask myself why I left Joey. Why I gave up on love. Well, the truth is I had no choice. The choice I have now it to stay away or go back. My choice? Stay away! Follow me through the next six months. Lets see how strong this newbie really is!
PS I will be writing again today. I am going to my daughters grave to eat cake and let go of some balloons. Ill be back to tell you how that went! Thanks everyone for reading!
-Jena
So in the beginning of my pregnancy I had set this huge goal for myself to basically tear down this brick wall that has been standing in my way for a long time. Now, I'm really not that strong so I need to take it one brick at a time. I felt like the most important one to concur was to feel confident that I have done everything it takes to be the mother I need to be for this baby. Though I have made improvements I am not yet confident with this just yet. Believe it or not, 6 months is not a very long time. It's been eating me from the inside out, the amount of things I need to do from now until then.
My biggest challenge that has me completely split minded and torn up is getting a job. Yeah... I know. I'm scared to go work when pregnant because I fear for my baby and his/her life. After Macie passed I just don't know how to feel because no one really knows what happened or why she died. So with round two it is way scary. I mean one wrong move could mean my baby's life. So getting a job, as you could probably imagine is scary because what if me draining to much of what little energy I already have could potentially be this baby's cause of death.
On the whole other side of things, my daddy always taught me good work ethic. That working and having a good job is very important. So me personally I demean myself when I don't have a job. Makes me feel like a lazy ass you know? Not only that but other peoples opinions do matter. Especially my parents. So over all I am still torn on this thought. I am not so sure which road ill be taking in this matter. But ill keep you posted.
My next issue is how hard this pregnancy has been. Like seriously! I never got this sick with my first. I definitely think this pregnancy is harder. I have never been one to not make it to the bathroom. Lol I've also never been in so much pain that I can't move. It sucks! I feel like I need a freaking walker or something! Also with Macie I always got stuck with the laughing hormones. This baby it's more like the anxiety, panic attack moments.
Sometimes, I feel like the situation I am in. I wish I could take it all back. But then I think about my baby coming and it all changes. I can't wait to grow old with this one. I can't wait to meet my next little peanut! It can just get really hard being the strong one. Like sometimes I ask myself why I left Joey. Why I gave up on love. Well, the truth is I had no choice. The choice I have now it to stay away or go back. My choice? Stay away! Follow me through the next six months. Lets see how strong this newbie really is!
PS I will be writing again today. I am going to my daughters grave to eat cake and let go of some balloons. Ill be back to tell you how that went! Thanks everyone for reading!
-Jena
Friday, August 16, 2013
Pre-log (Quickie auto biography)
So clearly, my story starts with a man. His name is Joey. We met 3 years ago in October. When I met him he was straight out of prison for stealing eye drops. Yes EYEDROPS! He did a whole year for it. But my first opinion of him was that he had a very free spirit. He loved telling stories and being the center of attention. When we first met it was sort of a blind date but my date was not him. A friend of mine Tiffany whom was my roommate at the time had brought a guy named Jesse for me and Joey for her. Well they had ended up picking on Jesse and he went home like a big baby. Lol. So never mind for that but I was okay with being the third wheel. When I was that age I was always the party starter. The one who kept the happy moods going, so I did. So as the night goes on Joey had turned more to my attention and not hers. She got tired and went to bed. Me and Joey ended up talking until like 4 AM! Anyways, one thing lead to another and me and Joey let sparks fly. We knew we really liked each other. We were inseparable and had been for the last three years. Although we spent every day for three years together doesn't mean they were all amazing.
So the first year was more like a learning thing. I learned everything there is to know about drugs. I learned that Joey had been an Heroine addict. Of course he didn't tell but I came to learn by finding needles and noticing his behavior. At first I felt sympathetic and wanted to do whatever I could to help him in his sobriety. Especially after learning about the severe disease and addiction it afflicted on him. I mean, what could I say I loved him regardless. At first he treated me absolutely amazing with the exception of his addiction he was everything I could ever ask for. In my mind, I really didn't want to judge him for one flaw. So I didn't.
The beginning of year two I found out I was pregnant with my sleeping angel Macie Lynn Muir. At this point it was a fight. Joey needed to get sober for our family. No questions about it. Now obviously this didn't happen. So our relationship had become one giant argument. He still treated me the same but would not even try to kick this hell bound habit. So around six months of fighting with him I finally said forget it and let him run amuck. Within that same month we got raided. Now keep in mind this was my first raid and was scared shitless because I would never be caught with a drug in my hand and I too was cuffed, searched, and questioned. I didn't go to jail but he did and was sentenced to a year in jail.
This was even more frightening because I was left high and dry. Going through a pretty rough pregnancy I was on bed rest. No way could I go get a job and do this. I desperately searched for a roommate that could help with rent so I didn't loose my place to live. I went hungry and got really sick with anxiety and no way to visit a doctor. Finally I caved and made a plan with my mom to move to Seattle with her until I could get this all straightened out and come home to Utah with my baby and be ready for Joey to be home and be the family we wanted. Now I know some of you may look at my sideways that I would even fathom coming back home to my jail bait. But my mind set was that he deserved this one fresh start to show me the father he can be.
Well plans fell through when I went in to the hospital on August 16th of 2012 to get induced at 41 weeks. I had gone through a terribly painful labor of two days. The first day I had no epidural for pain but I just wasn't dilating fast enough. So they upped my doses. By 6 am the next morning it was time for an epidural but I still was only dilated to a 4. They broke my water a few hours later but I still hadn't dilated much more. The labor got easier but wasn't moving along like it should have. 10 o' clock the last night my baby's heart rate was not acting right. So they placed a different type of monitor on her that is a little more accurate. 11:30 comes around, my doctor came in and told me it was time for emergency c section. 22:22 o' clock rolls around and my angel was born on August 18th 2012. She was alive but completely limp I had noticed during surgery that my baby wasn't crying and mentioned it. This was the last thing I remember. I guess they knocked me out so I didn't panic. So when she came out she wasn't breathing. They gave her many treatments and fought for her life but she was called to heaven instead. I pretty much woke up with a dead baby in my arms. You mothers probably could imagine the hurt this caused me.
The doctors told me there was nothing they could do and that they had no idea the cause. I sent my Angel to autopsy whom also came back with nothing except she suffered from hypoxia. I already knew this much but there were no answers. I was faced with this challenge and no answers. So anyway I went through coping and had her funeral. For her funeral Joey got to go on a furlough to come along and mourn our daughter. This all together was a really hard time for both of us.
After Joey went back to jail, I went back to Washington. I tried really hard to heal there but I just hate Washington! It's so boring! So I sold all Macie's baby stuff and hopped on a grey hound back to Utah with nothing! I got two, jobs got a car and a place to live. Joey had got released to rehab and I was feeling really good about my achievements.
So when Joey got out of Rehab he was doing great for a while but it didn't take much for him to relapse, but it took a lot for me to leave him for it, so I didn't. Instead I got pregnant. This time around there was no way I would put up with him using. I knew I had to save me and the baby before I could save him. So I ended up leaving him. This is where I'm beginning my blog. I will tell you how the next 6 months go. How I feel. The hard and the easy. The sad and the happy. Basically and open diary for you to take in for your own life experience or for someone to connect with in your life or and give me advice. Thank you so much for reading, Ill be back shortly for my first real post.
-Jena
So the first year was more like a learning thing. I learned everything there is to know about drugs. I learned that Joey had been an Heroine addict. Of course he didn't tell but I came to learn by finding needles and noticing his behavior. At first I felt sympathetic and wanted to do whatever I could to help him in his sobriety. Especially after learning about the severe disease and addiction it afflicted on him. I mean, what could I say I loved him regardless. At first he treated me absolutely amazing with the exception of his addiction he was everything I could ever ask for. In my mind, I really didn't want to judge him for one flaw. So I didn't.
The beginning of year two I found out I was pregnant with my sleeping angel Macie Lynn Muir. At this point it was a fight. Joey needed to get sober for our family. No questions about it. Now obviously this didn't happen. So our relationship had become one giant argument. He still treated me the same but would not even try to kick this hell bound habit. So around six months of fighting with him I finally said forget it and let him run amuck. Within that same month we got raided. Now keep in mind this was my first raid and was scared shitless because I would never be caught with a drug in my hand and I too was cuffed, searched, and questioned. I didn't go to jail but he did and was sentenced to a year in jail.
This was even more frightening because I was left high and dry. Going through a pretty rough pregnancy I was on bed rest. No way could I go get a job and do this. I desperately searched for a roommate that could help with rent so I didn't loose my place to live. I went hungry and got really sick with anxiety and no way to visit a doctor. Finally I caved and made a plan with my mom to move to Seattle with her until I could get this all straightened out and come home to Utah with my baby and be ready for Joey to be home and be the family we wanted. Now I know some of you may look at my sideways that I would even fathom coming back home to my jail bait. But my mind set was that he deserved this one fresh start to show me the father he can be.
Well plans fell through when I went in to the hospital on August 16th of 2012 to get induced at 41 weeks. I had gone through a terribly painful labor of two days. The first day I had no epidural for pain but I just wasn't dilating fast enough. So they upped my doses. By 6 am the next morning it was time for an epidural but I still was only dilated to a 4. They broke my water a few hours later but I still hadn't dilated much more. The labor got easier but wasn't moving along like it should have. 10 o' clock the last night my baby's heart rate was not acting right. So they placed a different type of monitor on her that is a little more accurate. 11:30 comes around, my doctor came in and told me it was time for emergency c section. 22:22 o' clock rolls around and my angel was born on August 18th 2012. She was alive but completely limp I had noticed during surgery that my baby wasn't crying and mentioned it. This was the last thing I remember. I guess they knocked me out so I didn't panic. So when she came out she wasn't breathing. They gave her many treatments and fought for her life but she was called to heaven instead. I pretty much woke up with a dead baby in my arms. You mothers probably could imagine the hurt this caused me.
The doctors told me there was nothing they could do and that they had no idea the cause. I sent my Angel to autopsy whom also came back with nothing except she suffered from hypoxia. I already knew this much but there were no answers. I was faced with this challenge and no answers. So anyway I went through coping and had her funeral. For her funeral Joey got to go on a furlough to come along and mourn our daughter. This all together was a really hard time for both of us.
After Joey went back to jail, I went back to Washington. I tried really hard to heal there but I just hate Washington! It's so boring! So I sold all Macie's baby stuff and hopped on a grey hound back to Utah with nothing! I got two, jobs got a car and a place to live. Joey had got released to rehab and I was feeling really good about my achievements.
So when Joey got out of Rehab he was doing great for a while but it didn't take much for him to relapse, but it took a lot for me to leave him for it, so I didn't. Instead I got pregnant. This time around there was no way I would put up with him using. I knew I had to save me and the baby before I could save him. So I ended up leaving him. This is where I'm beginning my blog. I will tell you how the next 6 months go. How I feel. The hard and the easy. The sad and the happy. Basically and open diary for you to take in for your own life experience or for someone to connect with in your life or and give me advice. Thank you so much for reading, Ill be back shortly for my first real post.
-Jena
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